The Worst Joke In The World.com: 2023

For Henny

Take my wife—away!

~ by Russ Allison Loar
~ Photo: The "King Of One-Liners" Henny Youngman
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We're Just Not That Into You

Godspeed

In Jamestown,
My father's forefather,
Excised from country,
Bereft and starving.

(What an asshole!)

~ by Russ Allison Loar
~ U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Seaman Matthew Bookwalter
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Sit!

Q: What's Lassie's favorite
kind of chair?

A: A Barkalounger!

~ by Russ Allison Loar
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Dental Advice

Q : When is the best time to see the dentist?

A : About 2:15. Don't wait until tooth hurty!

~ by Russ Allison Loar

~ Image by Asian Health Services

~ Bad joke and collage by Russ Allison Loar
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Easter Brunch at the Country Club

"The buffet was satisfactory,

but the valet service was just dreadful!”

~ Text & Jesus insertion by Russ Allison Loar
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Baboon-ed!

M ethinks
these be baboon-ed days.
For want of suck this curv-ed fruit I entreat.

~ by Russ Allison Loar
Photo: Public Domain
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Knock Knock

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

I don't know.

I don't know who?

Neither do I!

~ Joke and artwork by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

In A Perfect World

I n a perfect world
there would be no need for emulsification.

~ by Russ Allison Loar
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I Am A Simple Man

~ by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Art Critic Bazooka Joe

~ Russ Allison Loar
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But Seriously Folks

Thank you ladies and gentle worms. Tonight, I’m going to start out with a tribute to all of you. That’s right, a musical tribute to human beings.

{Sleazy lounge singer voice}

♪ Hey there!
Yes you there!
Didja know there,
That you’ve got:
Two legs,
And you’ve got:
Two arms,
And you’ve got:
Two brains,
Inside your head, yeah! ♪

Needs a little work.

But seriously folks, I just want you to know I’m a believer in clean comedy. Yeah. Clean comedy. That’s my thing. Clean comedy.

So, these two bars of soap were walking down the street and they’re having a really heated argument. This one bar of soap is getting furious—out of control. So the other bar of soap says, “Hey! Don’t work yourself up into a lather!”

Oh yeah, it’s clean!

(Rim shot)

I was just talking backstage with legendary comedian Buzzy Vava Voom. He just flew in from a 37-year run at Joey Knuckles' Steak and Stein in Lost Wages, Nevada, and boy is his airplane tired!

(Bass drum hit)

“Buzzy,” I said, “what’s the secret of your success? How do You be funny?”

Buzzy says to me, “Kid, don’t get too personal with your humor. Nobody wants to hear about your personal problems. So if you really hate your wife, don’t do wife jokes because the audience will see that you really mean it and they won’t think you’re funny.”

So, taking Buzzy’s advice about keeping my personal life out of my humor, for those who have seen me perform before, I won’t be doing the bit about the wacky arsonist, the naked parking attendant, or the bit about falling in love with grandpa’s cow.

(Muffled laughter)

Anywho, this guy with a big penis walks into a bar, sits down on a barstool and orders a beer. The bartender slaps the beer down on the counter and the guy with the big penis hands him a twenty dollar bill. A couple of minutes later the bartender comes back and gives him a five dollar bill in change and says:

“We don’t get many guys in here with big penises.”

The guy with the big penis looks at the five dollar bill, looks at his beer, looks back at the five dollar bill, then looks at the bartender and says:

“How come?”

(Sustained, awkward silence)

“But seriously folks, you know, my wife is such a bitch . . .”

~ by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

You Did Not Return My Shovel

You did not return my shovel.
I really need it bad.
You left and took my shovel.
It’s made my life so sad.

It was my only shovel.
I had it all these years.
I own no other shovel.
My tool shed sheds such tears.

I can see it now,
Shining in the sun.
Glowing in the rain.
O my lost shovel,
Causes me such pain.

I am cold in the night
Cause my shovel’s not in sight.
How can I carry on
When my shovel’s lost and gone?

Someday when you’re in hell,
You’ll know the reason why.
You horked my beauty shovel,
And digging made you die.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Uber Al Fresco

The comfort of a limo with the thrill of a convertible. Caution is advised when reclining seats while vehicle is making sharp turns in busy intersections. Not recommended for freeway travel.

~ Words and Photo by Russ Allison Loar
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