Photo by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved
Cultural Somnambulism
The switch was made, yet amazingly,
no one noticed the horn.
~ Text & horn morph by Russ Allison Loar
~ Painting by Leonardo da Vinci
© All Rights Reserved
But Seriously Folks
Thank you ladies gentle worms. Tonight, I’m going to start out with a tribute to all of you. That’s right, a musical tribute to human beings.
{Sleazy lounge singer voice}♪ Hey there!
Yes you there!
Didja know there,
That you’ve got:
Two legs,
And you’ve got:
Two arms,
And you’ve got:
Two brains,
Inside your head, yeah! ♪
Needs a little work.
But seriously folks, I just want you to know I’m a believer in clean comedy. Yeah. Clean comedy. That’s my thing. Clean comedy.
So, these two bars of soap were walking down the street and they’re having a really heated argument. This one bar of soap is getting furious—out of control. So the other bar of soap says, “Hey! Don’t work yourself up into a lather!”
Oh yeah, it’s clean!
{Rim shot}
I was just talking backstage with legendary comedian Buzzy Vava Voom. He just flew in from a 37-year run at the Golden Nugget in Lost Wages Nevada and boy is his airplane tired!
{Rim shot}
“Buzzy,” I said, “what’s the secret of your success? How do you be funny?”
Buzzy says to me, “Kid, don’t get too personal with your humor. Nobody wants to hear about your personal problems. So if you really hate your wife, don’t do wife jokes because the audience will see that you really mean it and they won’t think you’re funny.”
So, taking Buzzy’s advice about keeping my personal life out of my humor, for those who have seen me perform before, I won’t be doing the bit about the wacky arsonist, the naked bank robber, or the bit about falling in love with grandpa’s cow. Instead, I’m going to do the bit about the guy with the big penis.
There was this guy with a big penis who walks into a bar, sits down on a barstool and orders a beer. The bartender slaps the beer down on the counter and the guy with the big penis hands him a twenty dollar bill. A couple of minutes later the bartender comes back and gives him a five dollar bill in change and says:
“We don’t get many guys in here with big penises.”
The guy with the big penis looks at the five dollar bill, looks at his beer, looks back at the five dollar bill, then looks at the bartender and says:
“How come?”
{Sustained, awkward silence}
“But seriously folks, you know, my wife is such a bitch . . .”
~ by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved
Blackmail
To You Whom It May Concern,
I am in possession of certain facts and sensitive material that have no relevance to you in any way.
Unless you deliver $1 million in unmarked coins to my home within 48 hours, I will be forced to release this irrelevant material to the newspapers, which, in all likelihood, will not publish it.
This is your next-to-last warning!
Ima Moron
54321 Blastoff Avenue,
Zoloft, CA 98765-4321
P.S. Do not give my address to the police.
~ by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved
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